Stoner lines

How Torben gets laid

2011-12-11T06:45:00.000-08:00

Torben: I don't really know how I get laid these days, I am usually too stoned to remember the details.

Billybob: I'll tell you how you do it. You wait until 5am, at which point you get up the courage to say: "Excuse me, can I ask you a question? ... I hope you don't mind"

... and then you get laid.

Marianne days

2011-12-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

Billybob: Those were the good old days, remember the Marianne days?

Torben: Dude you weren't even with her.

Billybob: I wasn't really WITH her, but I was AFTER her, which is almost the same thing.

Soft?

2010-06-12T12:30:00.001-07:00

Billybob: Hey Torben, (in a gay voice) check out my new bed, it's so soft.

Torben: I'll show you something soft (long pause) ... ready?

making love

2010-04-03T00:45:00.002-07:00

Billybob: Baby, eating this lunch is like making love to you

Girlfriend: Is it really that bad?

She's not my type

2010-04-03T00:45:00.001-07:00

Torben: I don't know if she's my type.

Billybob: Sleep with her now, find out if she's your type later

On getting your shit together

2009-12-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

Torben: That guy really got his shit together

Billybob: Depends on your definition of shit, shit comes in different flavors.

Valentine's Day

2009-12-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

Foreign girl: When is Valentine's Day?

Billybob: February 15, I think.

Boombox: It's the 14th dude!

Billybob: Yeah I always forget that and give my girlfriend a Valentine's Day present a day too late

Boombox: And what does she say?

Billybob: She tells me she already got a present from their real boyfriend the day before

comfort zone

2009-11-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

Billybob: Fuck this shit

Torben: Watch your language

Billybob: Sorry, I overstepped my boundaries, and your comfort zone too

Torben: Don't beat yourself too much up, at least I have a comfort zone

low-lying fruit

2009-11-01T10:54:00.000-08:00

Torben: Did you have a good night?

Billybob: It was a good party, but next time i'll refrain from going for the low-laying fruit

Torben: Why is that?

Billybob: Cuz if it's too low, somebody probably already stepped on it.

one basket

2009-10-28T05:12:00.001-07:00

Billybob: When you put all your eggs in one basket, you better really make sure that basket doesn't have any holes.

Facebook modes

2009-10-25T14:01:00.000-07:00

Guy: What's up with facebook these days?

Billybob: Well one of the modes is "normal mode" and the other is "everything mode". Don't you know the difference between "live feed" and "news feed"?

Guy: Sure, "live" is when they fuck right in front of you, "news" is when they tell you that they've just been fucking

Mac or PC?

2009-10-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

Billybob: My PC is slow and crashes all the time

Guy: You should get a Mac

Billybob: Yeah, but I'm so used to PCs, and I've invested so much into this one

Guy: Computers are like relationships. No matter how much crap they bring with them, you try and stick with the same one for as long as you can

Free will

2009-10-18T11:56:00.001-07:00

Billybob: I'm reading a book about free will

Highnote: Who made you do it?

Billybob: My boss did.

show me nothing

2009-07-13T01:11:00.001-07:00

Torben: Let's go into this place, it looks like something.

Billybob: If this is something ... then show me nothing.

behind every great man

2009-07-01T12:14:00.001-07:00

Billybob: Behind every great man, there's a woman ... with a strap-on

Shit expert

2009-07-01T12:13:00.000-07:00

Guy: this music is shit

Torben: Who said it's shit? Are you some kind of shit expert?

calculated way

2009-05-31T07:41:00.001-07:00

Torben: I've had several girls slap me... Not necessarily in a very calculated way

last shower

2009-05-31T07:39:00.001-07:00

Billybob: When did u last take a shower?

Torben: I took a shower about 3 girls ago...

How cool can you get

2009-05-31T07:36:00.001-07:00

Torben: People don't get me sometimes. I'm several steps beyond their comprehension of cool.

I'm so high

2009-03-28T02:57:00.000-07:00

Danny: I'm so high, I can touch the ... floor.

gay shit

2009-03-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

Billybob: The weather is gonna be 5 degrees tomorrow
Torben: Am I supposed to get a hardon from this news?
Billybob: I got a hardon from it, why shouldn't you?

5 minutes later:

Billybob: I think I'm gonna put that quote up
Torben: You can put it up your ass!

wasted opportunity

2009-03-14T12:48:00.001-07:00

Guy: wow, there's a lot of hot girls in here. Now I'm gonna go home and ponder about all the lost opportunities.

Torben: You're a wasted opportunity in and of itself.

are you gay?

2009-02-28T05:24:00.001-08:00

Girl: Are you gay?

Billybob: Honey, for you... I'll be gay

can you smoke here?

2009-02-28T05:23:00.000-08:00

Billybob: Can you smoke in here?

Girl [holding a cigarette]: No you can't... it's for white people only

got any gum?

2009-02-26T22:02:00.000-08:00

Billybob: You guys got a piece of gum?

Girls: No, sorry

Billybob: I really really need a piece of gum... like crazy!

same page?

2009-01-14T23:21:00.000-08:00

Billybob: Are we on the same page?

Torben: We're not on the same page, you're just missing the page.

Upbeat

2008-12-31T07:11:00.000-08:00

Billybob: This girl looks fun, upbeat

Boombox: It's better to look upbeat... than to look beat up.

promotional video from youtube

2008-12-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

novelty

2008-11-27T04:41:00.001-08:00

Guy: This girl is texting me, she wants to fuck again.

Billybob: You should do it with a condom this time.

Guy: Why?

Billybob: Do it for novelty, man.

slow technology

2008-11-24T15:04:00.001-08:00

Torben [waiting for a Youtube video to download]: Technology is so slow these days!

Billybob: Maybe you're so quick, the technology is falling behind

love radiation

2008-11-23T14:18:00.000-08:00

Torben: Did you just get a suntan?

Billybob: No man, I'm just radiating of love :D

don't go

2008-11-22T03:17:00.000-08:00

[Boring just left]

Billybob: Don't go. We should be friends on facebook...

vacuum

2008-11-19T14:51:00.000-08:00

[Storm says something, and Billybob forgets to respond].

Billybob: I am creating conversational vacuum.

Storm: no, you're just brain-dead.

Billybob: True, but I'll pretend to be creating a conversational vacuum.

rolling zone

2008-11-17T01:28:00.000-08:00

you had me at...

2008-11-16T05:01:00.001-08:00

Torben: Let's go out and eat

Billybob: Let's just eat here. I got pancakes, I got sour cream ...

Torben: But ...

Billybob: It's cheap, I got sugar, I got orange juice

Torben: You had me at "cheap"

that place we went last time

2008-11-13T01:08:00.000-08:00

Billybob: Argh... it's wet, we can't roll here

Torben: Remember that place we went last time?

Billybob: Yeah

Torben: It's still there!

pretty black girl

2008-11-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

Billybob's pickup line for the next hot black girl he meets:

Baby you're so pretty, I would dump all my white girlfriends for you.

nice ear rings

2008-11-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

Billybob: Nice ear rings, man

Torben: Yeah, it gets the ladies hot and wet... between the armpits

out of proportions

2008-10-31T00:22:00.001-07:00

Torben: Camden, is that in Canada?

Billybob: Dude, Camden is in London!

Torben: Google it!

Billybob: Google it yourself!

Torben: You're out of proportions!

Billybob: Are you calling me fat??!

crossing the red light

2008-10-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

Billybob: You can't cross on a red light, you're violating the rules!

Torben: I'm a violator and an annihilator... Catcha later alligator

being square

2008-10-28T23:10:00.001-07:00

Torben: It's never too late to be square my friend... So don't start now.

life is like a box of chocolates

2008-10-28T23:09:00.003-07:00

Torben: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get... But u can be sure that it's squishy in the middle

pregnant woman

2008-10-28T23:09:00.001-07:00

Billybob: I have never seen a pregnant woman up this close... Except my 5 previous girlfriends

stimulus package

2008-10-04T01:43:00.000-07:00

Billybob: We got a socialist running for president. What would he do? ... with a stimulus package

boring conversation

2008-10-04T01:41:00.000-07:00

Joejoe: She was really boring, and didn't really help with conversation that much

Billybob: Isn't it kinda hard to be around someone like that?

Joejoe: Yeah... but you keep on hoping they're gonna take their clothes off at some point.

the pretty man

2008-10-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

Torben (looking in the mirror): Man, I'm so pretty... I am a pretty man.

surveillance

2008-10-01T09:07:00.000-07:00

Torben: Can we roll here?

Billybob: There's a camera on the right... so you should roll on the left.

keeping warm

2008-10-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

Torben: I'm growing my hair long. It's gonna keep me warm in the winter

Billybob: That's good... saves you money on hats.

a woman in the kitchen

2008-09-17T12:28:00.000-07:00

Billybob: Always trust a woman in the kitchen!

Girl: Hey now, be nice.

Billybob: But nowhere else!

I didn't quit

2008-09-17T12:26:00.001-07:00

Billybob: I subscribed to this "Hash-sms" program, to help me quit smoking.

It was a bunch of nonsense, so I didn't quit.

In fact, I stepped it up!

pool balls

2008-09-17T12:25:00.001-07:00

Torben & Billybob playing pool, and billybob is winning.

Billybob: You got a lot of balls, man.

not half bad

2008-09-17T12:23:00.000-07:00

Billybob: What do you think about this music?

Torben: It's not half bad... That doesn't mean it's half good either.

are you kidding me?

2008-09-03T02:31:00.000-07:00

Billybob: I gotta tell you something, and don't judge

Torben: What?

Billybob: I slept with a donkey and I liked it.

Torben: Was it a real donkey?

Billybob: No, it wasn't real, it was a... robot donkey.

Torben: You're kidding me?

traumatic experience

2008-09-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

Torben: (making silly faces into a fancy restaurant)

Billybob: Torben, they're trying to have a fancy dinner! Stop doing that, you're traumatizing them for life!

wasting precious time

2008-08-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

Billybob: Hey, do you know where Club X is?
Girl: It's over there and to the left, yada yada yada, blah blah
Torben: Is that where you're going?
Girl: No I'm going the other way
Torben: What place?
Girl: Place Y
Torben: Is it nice?
Girl: Yes, it's nice
Torben: You got any hot girlfriends?
Girl: Not really, only one
Torben: Is she hot?
Girl: Yes, she's quite hot
Torben: Is she single?
Girl: No, unfortunately not
Torben: Are you single?
Girl: No :)
Torben: Damn!
Billybob: (out loud) Oh my god! I wasted all my time for THIS??

period

2008-08-29T02:39:00.000-07:00

Boombox: Like my daddy used to say:

You can't trust anything that bleeds for 7 days, and doesn't die.

speed chess

2008-08-29T02:38:00.000-07:00

Torben: Wanna play speed chess?

Billybob: (thinking hard) Naah, not right now.

Amnesty International

2008-08-29T02:36:00.000-07:00

A stoned girl had a suggestion for Amnesty International's slogan for their campaign against Violence Against Women.

"Don't smack my bitch up"

get off your bum

2008-08-22T03:42:00.000-07:00

Torben: As my mother used to say: "Get off your bum, you there's a big surprise waiting for you!"

Billybob: Did she really say that?

Torben: Yeah, exactly in those words.

african touch

2008-08-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

[Passing by a store called "African touch"]

Torben: Mmmmm... African touch! That's exactly what I need right now.

ya dig it?

2008-07-10T14:20:00.001-07:00

Billybob: You dig it, man?

Torben: I could dig a fucking grave with it!

let's find some girls tonight

2008-07-10T14:19:00.001-07:00

Torben: let's get 2 girls tonight and take them home!

Billybob: Sounds good. But you know what? I have a better idea ... Instead of getting 2 girls, let's just get one really really big one!

show them who the boss is.

2008-07-02T00:27:00.001-07:00

Boombox: Show them who is boss. Deny them that dick!

we're watching them too

2008-07-02T00:25:00.000-07:00

Torben: Let's go over here and smoke

Billybob: Dude, we can't smoke here! It's broad daylight, everybody's watching us.

Torben: That's okay. We're watching them too.

good Sushi

2008-06-24T22:10:00.000-07:00

Billybob: Hey that's a good sushi place.

I took her there and we made love on the toilet.

Torben: It was that good, huh?

sleeping with a friend of someone

2008-06-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

Torben: I think I haven't slept with a friend of someone I've slept with before

Billybob: I haven't slept with a friend of anyone, period.

when you give someone something

2008-06-07T01:07:00.000-07:00

Billybob: When a girl gives a guy something, it's too rude to say no, you have to take it.

Boombox: Yeah, and when a guy gives a girl something, she also HAS to take it.

weirdest thing you've ever done

2008-06-06T01:58:00.000-07:00

Girl: What's the weirdest thing you've ever done?

Billybob: I read a book once.

getting laid

2008-05-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

Torben: You should ask those girls over there what time it is.

Billybob: I'm about to get laid, I don't need to be asking any questions!

This seat is taken

2008-05-19T15:47:00.001-07:00

Random guy: This seat is taken!

Torben: That's okay, so am I.

is this girl a hooker?

2008-05-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

Storm: It's not a question if this girl is a hooker. It's only a question if she's also a man.

feeling

2008-05-18T01:09:00.000-07:00

Torben: So how are you feeling baby-bubba?

Billybob: Fine... Who said I should be feeling horrible?

stoner poetry

2008-05-10T03:57:00.000-07:00

(walking in a park)

Torben:

This girl was looking at me

and I was looking at her,

sparks were flying

and then I realized...

she was a little bit fat

funny story

2008-05-03T01:57:00.002-07:00

Stoned girl: [Trying to tell a funny story, but nobody is getting it]

Billybob: I don't get it.

Girl: You had to be there to see it

Billybob: I'm sure it was as funny as I feel right now.

cops

2008-05-03T01:57:00.001-07:00

Billybob: That bagel shop got a lot of cops. They seem to like the food

Torben: I guess they like anything round with holes in it

restraint

2008-05-03T01:56:00.001-07:00

Billybob (to Torben): I'm your inner restraining voice. You don't have one of your own, somebody's gotta be it.

got a picture?

2008-04-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

(Billybob talking about a girl)

Torben: You got a picture?

Billybob: No I don't have a picture... She got 3 tits

fries?

2008-04-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

Billybob: You wanna get some fries?

(Pause...)

Torben: I could dig a prostitute.

schweppes

2008-02-06T23:52:00.000-08:00

(Some chick offering a glass of Vodka and Schweppes)

Torben: It's like anal sex, some people like it, some people don't.

That's how I feel about Schweppes!

wildest thing

2008-01-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

Billybob talking to one of Torben's female friends:

Billybob: What's the wildest thing you've ever done?

Girl: I laid Torben...

commitments

2007-10-10T07:49:00.000-07:00

Billybob: The only permanent commitment in this life is having a child. Everything else is reversible.

Torben: I guess yah. Children and murder.

Billybob: Ya, and knocking over humpty-dumpty.

Torben: and sucking dick...

degree

2007-09-27T19:23:00.000-07:00

Torben (talking about his new bartending job): ...hard work though, manual labor dude.

Billybob: I know, tried it. Decided to get a degree instead.

Torben: Which you didn't get?

Billybob: I got a few degrees.

Torben: I got a third degree burn once...

not boys anymore

2007-09-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

Billybob: Can I check out if there's anybody inside?

Guard: Sure... But it's not boys anymore

Billybob: Oh... i'm not gay

Guard: Oh.

panic

2007-09-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

Billybob frantically looking for his weed, after which he suddenly finds it in his pocket, where he put it.

Torben: What are you doing panicking? You shouldn't be like that.

Billybob: Like my mother taught me: "Panic first, think later"

do it

2007-09-08T01:01:00.000-07:00

Torben (asking some people next to him for some paper to prepare the mix on): Do you guys have some paper?

They: (Pulling out some smoking paper).

Torben: No no I mean some paper to roll on.

They: No, we don't have that.

Torben: Oh, you guys just do it with your hands?!

funny man

2007-09-07T20:32:00.001-07:00

Billybob: You know what's funny man?

Torben: You're the funny man

feminize

2007-08-16T12:18:00.000-07:00

Billybob: You are supposed to feminize the plant, because you can't really smoke the male parts.

Torben: Yeah, that would be kinda gay.

cartoons

2007-08-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

Billybob: I wanna find out the author of this cartoon.

Torben: You should go take a copy of Free Comics yourself.

Billybob: I don't wanna read it, I wanna get the cartoon in audio.

the Simpsons Movie

2007-08-08T10:58:00.001-07:00

Torben: So, are you gonna watch the new Simpsons movie?

Billybob: Yeah, I just have to find a girl to watch it with

Torben: A girl?
That's gonna be hard.

comfort zone

2007-07-12T23:11:00.000-07:00

Billybob: I like the Comfort Zone - that's where I spend most of my time

Torben: You invented the Comfort Zone

got any diseases?

2007-07-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

(Torben about to drink out of Billybob's cup)

Torben: Got any diseases?

Billybob: No, only AIDS

Torben: Oh... I love AIDS

dig it?

2007-06-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

if the Queen read this blog... or should it be: if the Queen read this blog ...

2007-06-21T02:11:00.000-07:00

Torben: You shouldn't put space before ellipsis, I've corrected your entries

[Long discussion follows]

Billybob: OK, but I wonder what the correct answer really is. What would the Queen of England do? Like if the Queen read this blog, would she be like "WTF! There are no spaces before ellipses!!"

these girls don't know anything

2007-06-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

Torben: These girls don't know anything man... They know just about everything there is to know about nothing.

biggest banana

2007-06-01T00:30:00.000-07:00

Billybob (explaining evolution to his girlfriend):

So in the baboon societies, the male displays his power indirectly, e.g. by how many females he has, how many allies he has, and of course how much food he has access to. So the leader is the one who got the biggest banana in the whole fucking jungle!

brutal in a nice way

2007-05-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

Billybob: That was a horrible joke, dude

Torben: I know, it was brutal... but in a nice way.

I quit

2007-05-12T11:02:00.001-07:00

Torben: Want another puff?

Billybob: No, I quit.

every smile you get

2007-05-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

Billybob: Can you imagine how many girls are walking around with cum in their mouth?

Torben: Oh man, yeah hehe, that's disgusting!

Billybob: I mean really, think about it... every smile you get.

curb your enthusiasm quotes

2007-05-10T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dealer: I can get you an ounce of like, you know, hydroponic scientific stuff, but that'll run you 500 bucks.

Larry David: Hydroponic?... I'm not looking for a sound system, just looking to get my father a little relief...

--------------------------------

Larry David: I can manipulate anyone into anything... except women into sex.

no, YOU see

2007-05-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

Torben: See the difference is...bla bla bla

Billybob: Well you see, ever since...bla bla

Torben: No YOU see

Billybob: bla bla

Torben: not I see, you see

Billybob: I see, you see, what's the difference?